Snoffee Cob

Some months back I decided that I should start drinking coffee, because the caffeine would help me keep my weight down. Now then, I don't like doing things by half measures and I didn't use half measures to spoon coffee into my mug. I used full measures and several of them. Furthermore, if one is going to do this sort of thing, there is no point in diluting the punishment, so I took my coffee black and without sugar. Clearly.

I worked on the principle that a small volume of an incredibly concentrated disgusting bitter drink with a superior amount of caffeine would be better than larger volumes of an insipid disgusting bitter drink. I realise that there are not enough commas in that but it's late, I am frickin tired and still trying to get to the punch line.

I soon became a coffee snob and traded Jacobs Verwohnaroma (whatever) for the world's best Ethiopian coffee, kindly supplied to me directly by an Ethiopian colleague.

Now, as an aside, consider training on a campus board. It's concentrated training, right? It could make you very strong (which might, or might not, help), right? Now, what else do we know about training on a campus board? It should be done only by climbers with a significant base of strength, and even then, judiciously. What happens if you don't follow that advice? You break.

It has now occurred to me that I drank coffee as if it were training on a campus board. Wait, that's wrong. It should read "...I drank coffee as if I were training on a campus board". But in doing so I forgot that I had spent the last 49 years drinking nothing stronger than mango juice (no ice). I haven't developed a PTFE stomach lining. So what happened? I broke. This week I spent an agonising 24 hours wracked with stomach cramps following a particularly arduous bout of dieting followed by hard core coffee drinking.